Successful Marriages

An interesting article posted on the website
http://marriage.lifetips.com/cat/11054/dos-and-don-ts/

exercepts as below..

Successful Marriages

Research suggests that successful marriages have the following six
components: appreciation and affection, commitment, positive communication,
time together, spiritual well-being, and the ability to cope with stress
and crisis.

Learning Patience
Patience is a virtue! Patience helps marriages. Often in our busy society
we rush and rush to get things done. In marriages we often act the same way
society does, we rush and rush until life is no fun [taking a line from
Alabama´s song]. The best place to slow down is in marriage. This may
require some patience due to the pace our society pushes us. But I
recommend that we take time for talking, take time for sex, take time for
an evening out, and take time to show your love. This isn´t really patience
it is common sense.

Discussing what you don´t understand
If you don´t understand or like what your partner is doing, ask about it
and why he or she is doing it. And vice versa. Explore. Talk. Don´t assume.

Giving Your Spouse a Compliment
Brag about your spouse to others, especially when they´re in ear shot. It
will boost your spouse´s ego & they will want to continue making you happy
& proud of them. Also, the other people will have more respect for them
since you do too.

Honesty and Trust in Marriage
Honesty and trust are the foundation of a good marriage. If you don´t have
trust, you can´t have love. This is the one place in your life, at least,
that you should always be open and honest.

Pains of Pornography
Pornography has become a big part of our society. More and more marriages
are impacted by it. Many women have told me how pornography has impacted
their marriage. In many instances, the women have been uncomfortable with
their spouses use of pornography. I suggest pornography has a high
likelihood of negatively impacting a marriage. I have found that many
couples struggle with this issue. I have never heard a couple say that
pornography has helped their marriage. Based on the negative feedback I
have received, I have come to believe that marriages will be more positive
if pornography can be eliminated from a marriage.

Show your love
Don´t only tell your partner that you love them, but show it every day.
Love is shown through little gestures such as holding hands, kissing on the
porch, complimenting your spouse in public. Such acts show your love.

Make a normal day a special holiday
Stimulate your marriage by creating a special holiday. This day can be once
a month, or once a year. But make it your holiday. Celebrate your marriage
on a day that isn´t unique to anyone else but you. This day shouldn´t be
your anniversary either.

The Compromise
Marriage is a compromise. Be ready to compromise some of your wants for the
sake of your partner`s wants.

Sending double messages
A double message is a message that has two meanings that contradict each
other. For example, if you are mad at your spouse and they ask if you are
mad at them and your response is in a rough voice, "NO". Your actions speak
louder than your words. Double messages are hard to interpret and can hurt
the marital relationship.

Being The Right Person
A wise man once said, "Marriage is not so much finding the right person as
it is being the right person." If everyone would take this saying and make
it a part of their life we would have better marriages and a better
society.

5 Dos
Below is a list of five things to help your marriage.

A) Create time just to be with your spouse
B) Listen without criticizing
C) Ask for ideas on how you can make your marriage better
D) Be willing to do the things you want your spouse to do
E) Smile often

5 Don'ts
Below is a list of five things that can hurt your marriage.

A) Avoid resolving problems
B) Hide your emotions and true feelings from your spouse
C) Criticize your spouse
D) Lie
E) Avoid creating fun memories together

A Fun Date Idea
If you would like to have a fun date. Sit down and write 10 things that you
like about your spouse. Then go out to dinner and share those ten things
with each other over dinner. Then give your copy to your spouse for them to
keep and read when things are not going so well.

Smiling
One of the best ways to value your partner is to show them by smiling at
them and letting them know that they are of great value to you. Both men
and women like it when their spouse smiles at them and tells them they love
them. Further, look your spouse in the eyes and let them know they are the
best.

The Greatest Gift
While most of us spend lots of money during the holidays and on our
anniversaries(Christmas, Valentines Day), seldom do we consider what gift
would really make a difference in our marriage. My suggestion is to give
ourselves. How?

1) Show love in ways your spouse needs you to
2) Be happy
3) Give without expectation of return
4) Find ways to make your spouse feel special

Remember the greatest gift you give will always take time and will include
love.

Adding Some Spice to Your Married Life
Variety is the spice of life. I feel that marriages become complacent. Both
parties feel that the chase is over,and once the marriage takes place,they
no longer need to try as hard. Each person takes the other for granted.
This happens with couples that experienced great relationships while
dating. You often see couples split up,then get back together again. It´s
the old you never miss the water til the well runs dry syndrome.
I think the marriage vow starts us off on the wrong foot with til death do
us part. It should be that I will stay with you,as long as you keep
improving,and our marriage continues to grow. No employer says that you
have your job forever,as you would not be motivated to perform well. What
motivates a married couple that feels that someone is stuck with them til
death. Prepare for everyday as your first date, anticipate that if your
lucky, you may have a sexual encounter. We always feel that the other party
will be available to take care of our needs.

How can you add spice to your marriage today? I bet you know just think
about it.

A Few NOTS That Can Tie Up Your Marriage
There are numerous habits that can hurt marriages:
A) Taking your partner for granted.

B) Not being there when they need you. Thus oh!he or she can wait, or it is
not so important.

C) Not listening. Start paying attention to comments made. Listen to what
the partner has to say and be compassionate.

D) Not sharing: many partners keep to themselves, they do not tell their
mates what bothers them, problems at work, school and so forth.

E) Not spending time together: many partners do not do things together,
they think the other may not be interested or will not participate because
he/she does not care.

If patners do the above a lot will be resolved for a healthy and
sustainable mariage.

Marriage & Friendship
Marry your best friend. He/she knows all the ins and outs of your life and
accepts you anyway. What better person to spend the rest of your life with
than some one who understands you. Always look for that friendship quality
in the person and then let nature take its course. I married my best friend
(26) years ago, we have taken licking but we are still going strong.

How to Destroy Your Marriage
While most people don´t set out to destroy their marriage, many of these
same people don´t realize how easy it can be. While this tip is a little
"tongue in cheek" think how many things on the list below fit with the
people you know who have divorced.

TIPS FOR DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE

1) Have an affair--one sure fire way to get your spouse off your back is to
have an affair. This not only destroys their trust in you, it also hinders
their ability to trust others.

2) Become verbally abusive-- One way to get everything you want in marriage
is to criticize your spouse as much as you can. If you are really good you
can act kind in public towards her/him and like a big jerk in private. This
takes talent, but after lots of practice no one will believe your spouse
when they say your are verbally abusive.

3) View pornography--Turn to pornography as a way of satisfying yourself.
With internet making pornography so accessable forget your spouse. Who
needs a companion who is real and loving anyway.

4) Work long hours--If the first three do not ruin your marriage, start
working long hours. If you leave early enough and don´t come home until the
children are in bed and/or your spouse is exhausted you can clearly show
your spouse that they don´t matter to you.

Good luck to you--These are just a few of the ways that you can destroy
your marriage. If you want more ideas on how to destroy your marriage--just
look around you people are doing it all the time.

Find Consensus in your roles
Couples that agree on their roles succeed in marriage. Marital satisfaction
increases if the roles aren´t set in stone throughout the marriage. Couples
who agree to be flexible and take the needs of their spouse into
consideration find more satisfaction in the marriage.

Learning to express your anger
Every couple needs to trace the source of behaviors and attitudes, many of
which turn out to have been handed down through their families of origin.
Much unhappiness in relationships can be traced to the fact that one
partner learned as a family rule never to express anger, or even perhaps
happiness. Many people grow up learning to subjugate their own needs and
feelings to those of others. Still the feelings influence present
relationships, and until they can be brought into awareness and spoken, it
is very difficult to improve current relationships.

Day to Day Living
In the day to day living in marriage, we are often least polite to the ones
who need and deserve it most. Thank each other for the things you do,
praise each other and never forget to say I´m sorry. These may sound like
trivial things, but lack of them has broken many a marriage.

good marriage tip
trust, trust, trust..if she says she feels like this way, she does, it´s
not your fault, same goes for you..feelings are neither right nor wrong and
trust each other in feelings as well as the relationship,(my hubby looks
but i don´t get jealous,he comes home to me) jealousy gets you no where.

Avoiding Psychological Games
When one person in a conflict seeks to inflict a loss on the other--to
establish a "winner" and a "loser"--the couple has entered a pattern of
interaction that may be considered a psychological game. These games keep
couples from becoming closer and prevent the resolution any problems.

  A Gift To Remember
Some gifts simply last longer than others. Sometimes we think that it is
the tie or tool set that we give to dad that he remembers. In reality the
best gifts that we give aren´t necessary material gifts they are gifts from
the heart. Listed below is a short list of gifts that you can give to your
loved one that can last a lifetime.

1) A letter apologizing for the things you did that may have hurt your
loved one.

2) A poem written to your loved one expressing your love for them.

3) A picture book of your most favorite memories with them.

4) A gift or present that they wanted as a child but never received.

5) Spending a whole day with them instead of just one or two hours.

This is just a short list--If you have some other ideas that have been
helpful to you and your loved one please email me and I will include them
on this site.

  Understanding the Value of Your Spouse
Unfortunately, many people don´t recognize the value of their spouse until
it it too late. It is easy to slip into the comfortable stage of
relationships where we take each other for granted. One way to avoid this
mistake is to take time each day to think about how your spouse benefits
you. Then share your thoughts with your spouse. Let them know how much they
mean to you.

What is Right ?

Try this!

A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.
The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange. You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids. However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you rather let the train go its way?
Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make................

 
 ..
...
 ..

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down further

 

 

 

Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, I thought the same way initially because to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place?
Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was. This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society, the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.
The great critic Leo Velski Julian who told the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe. If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake! And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.
While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be   made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

"Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right."
Everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils.

90/10 principle

90/10 principle

It means 10 % of life is made up of what happens to you; 90% of life is
decided by you how you react.

Example
You are eating breakfast with ur family
Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto ur business shirt.
(You have no control over what has happened. What happens next will be
determined by how you react).
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over
She breaks down in tears.
After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing
the cup too close to the edge of table.
A short verbal battle follows..
you storm upstairs and change ur shirt.
Back downstairs, you find daughter has been too busy crying to finish
breakfast and get ready for school.
She misses the bus.
You rush to the car and drive the daughter to school.Your daughter runs
into the building without saying goodbye.
After arriving late at the office, work seems to get worse and worse
You look forward to coming home. When you arrive home, you find a small
wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter. why ? Because of
the reaction that morning.

You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in
those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Apply the 90/10 principle. It will change your life, atleast the way you
react to situations.

Eleven Ways to Minimize Your Speaking Nerves

Eleven Ways to Minimize Your Speaking Nerves

A good article on managing Nervousness from this site..

http://www.mikekerr.com/pics/ManagingNerves.pdf

1. Remind Yourself That It's NORMAL to Be Nervous Don't beat yourself out because you're nervous, this will only serve tomake you more nervous and stressed out. Remind yourself that most people list public speaking as a top fear, and that 89% of Canadians in a survey said they were afraid of public speaking. So relax – you're not alone if you're nervous, in fact, you are in good company that includes some very famous celebrities, actors and professional speakers. Use this fact to remind yourself that virtually everyone in the audience is on your side as a presenter (even if they disagree with your message!) and that they only want to hear what you have to say about the topic your speaking on. They key then, is not eliminating your fear altogether, but harnessing in that nervous energy and making it work for you, rather than against you.

2. Plan, Plan, Plan and Practice, Practice, Practice According to research, practicing a talk can reduce up to 75% of your nerves and contributes up to 90% of your ultimate success as a presenter It is especially important to practice and memorize your introduction: If you "nail" your opening and build an instant and confident rapport with the audience, your nerves should be reduced substantially. And, contrary to popular belief, practicing does not take away from your ability to be relaxed, natural and spontaneous, in fact, it is just the opposite. The more you practice and gain a command of your material, the more at ease you will be, so the more natural and spontaneous you'll come across because you won't be so focused on just surviving your presentation!

3. Visualize Your Performance Beforehand Athletes and performers do it because it works and has been proven to enhance performance. If at all possible, check out the room you'll be speaking in beforehand so you feel more comfortable in the space and can visualize yourself in the actual setting you'll be speaking in.

4. Reprogram Your Brain It's not the audience that is freaking you out: it's what your brain is telling you about the audience and the talk you need to deliver. "What if they hate me?" "What if I forget something?" "What if someone in the audience knows more than I do about this topic?" Train your brain: Reprogram it with more positive messages about your talk. This isn't just hocus pocus, this has been proven to work! So instead, tell yourself: "I'm just going to do the best I can do, and that's all I can do." "I'm just going to have with this." "There's a reason they want, and need, to hear me speak." "I'm going to be in control of my presentation, not the other way around!"

5. Get to Know the Audience Beforehand If there is time and the opportunity, chat up the audience beforehand – introduce yourself or ask them questions related to your talk. This will accomplish three things, all which will help reduce your nerves: > It will help you to get to know who's in your audience so you can possibly adapt your material or add examples based on what you've learned about who's there > It helps your build a rapport before you have even begun to speak > It helps to remind you that that "scary audience" is actually made up of (usually!) friendly, smiling folks who are truly on your side

6. Prepare for Possible Pitfalls A lot of our nerves and fears are based on imagined problems in our talk. So the more you can assure yourself that your have thought about, and indeed, planned for most conceivable problems, the less nervous you should feel. Have cheat notes available in case you lose your place Know your material inside and out Have back up audio visual support, including spare bulbs and batteries Prepare funny recovery lines ("oops, my train of thought just derailed") Remove/alter potential tongue twisters

7. Eat Properly Beforehand Avoid milk, cream, coffee, alcohol; and avoid eating too much. Eat lightly and drink warm water - so that your vocal chords don't constrict and cause you to sound like Minnie Mouse (or is that, Minnie Mouth?)

8. Practice Deep Breathing and Stretching Exercises Relax yourself beforehand by stretching, practicing a few yoga techniques or by taking a few deep breaths to center yourself. Remember to pause and breathe deeply before you being to speak as well, most presenters rush too quickly into their talk, and if you can give yourself a few minutes to calm your nerves and center yourself before you open your mouth, it will help you make sure you are in control of the presentation from the onset.

9. Arrive at the Room Before Your Audience If Possible Psychologically, this helps put you in the position of "owning" the room, of playing host to your guests, an advantageous position to be in when it comes to controlling your nervous demons.

10. Tap Into Your Sense of Humor Laughing has been proven to reduce fears, and tapping into your sense of humour beforehand, and during the talk, can remind you to take yourself lightly (but the talk seriously), change your perspective and keep you loose and relaxed. A simple way to reframe things humorously, is to ask the following questions about your talk and have FUN with the answers: "What's the most ridiculously, outrageous worst case scenario thing that could happen during my presentation? "What if an alien lands during my talk and asks me a question?" "What's the good news/bad news scenario about this presentation?"

11. Reducing Your Nerves During a Talk > If your body starts to shake, that's a sign your body has some built up energy it wants to decapitate, so move around a bit. Gesture to avoid your hands from shaking. Walk around a bit to avoid your legs from shaking. > If you get a case of DRY mouth, take a sip of warm water (and don't worry about pausing to gather your strength, the audience won't mind!). You can also try gently biting on the inside of your tongue to produce more saliva. > If your voice is shaky, this is a sign you need to RAISE the volume a notch

Final advice: Above all else, HAVE FUN! Speaking can, and indeed most of time, should be about having a fun time.

© Michael Kerr, Speaking of Ideas, 2002

Michael Kerr is an international professional speaker who trains and coaches speakers.
You can reach Michael at 1-866-609-2640, mike@mikekerr.com
www.mikekerr.com